Woman in polyamorous marriage for 12 years reveals ‘strict rules’ they have to follow
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life
Liv Bridge
Featured Image Credit: Danielle/OpenlyCommitted
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life
A woman who has been in a polyamorous relationship with her husband for more than a decade has spilled the beans on what 'strict rules' they have to follow.
Danielle was born and raised in a monogamous household in a small town in Texas, but nowadays enjoys a very different life to what she could ever have imaged.
The 41-year-old and her British husband of 12 years have not only globe-trotted and lived in various parts of the world, after their 'love at first sight' meeting in Holland, but for more than a decade they have been practising polyamory, which has seen them both date and even fall in love with their other partners alongside their marriage.
However, it's taken the pair a tough 'trial and error' phase to get to where they are now, establishing some stringent rules to create 'relationship rules that felt like ours.'
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Their progressive approach to dating came mere months into their relationship, and while Danielle confessed to UNILAD she initially felt 'hurt' and 'confused' by the idea when her then-boyfriend brought it up, she was also 'curious' and open-minded enough to give it a go.
For the next two years, they spent their time researching and adapting new boundaries as they came along - and fast forward 15 years later, and you might say the couple have fine-honed the art.
While some might believe in a common misconception about poly relationships, that they're essentially a free for all with no rules, Danielle tells me that's far from reality.
"So our earliest rules were around safety and STIs and testing, condom usage... Get the basics out of the way!" She said, before stating the next rule comes down to communication.
As we know, communication is key to any relationship, and an open one is no different.
The content creator, who also shares courses on polyamory, explained: "We set rules, very strict rules in terms of how we communicated, what we communicated and when.
"If I hooked up with someone, I told him beforehand. If he hooked up with someone, he told me 48 hours afterwards.
"We sort of learned in that first two years of figuring this out together that, I didn't like knowing beforehand. I wanted more details of everything after it had already happened. Whereas he wanted to know that I was safe, and he didn't want details after it happened."
The next rule came along in the form of a 'messy list' - essentially a straight up ban on dating certain people that could risk complicating matters.
"We vetoed colleagues, siblings, friends. Sometimes those things feel obvious, but at the time, they weren't. And there were other specific people that we ended up vetoing," Danielle said.
"Friends to this day are off limits and friends of our kids' parents - they are completely, 100 percent non-negotiable off-limits.
"We don't date in our local community because of our kids," which she says is because romantic entanglements could easily complicate a close knit community.
Interestingly, she says they don't 'need' such strict rules so much anymore - because it's all well baked into the foundation of their agreement.
It hasn't always been plain sailing, however, as Danielle recalled one time where she did go a 'little crazy' and made 'every mistake in the book,' juggling multiple partners, including a new female relationship, a kink partnership, group play parties and 'extreme skiing' to boot.
The mom-of-two said the chaos of that period prompted her husband to ask her for a period of monogamy - an era she puts down as a learning curve.
"We know each other really well, we've been doing this for a very long time," she continued. "If anything, our relationship is so stable and our foundation is really strong, I think we're very conscious that our lives are very entangled and so if we're having romantic and physical and emotional relationships with other people, we're very conscious of their feelings and making sure that they are treated with the most respect and in good faith."
Finally, Danielle said they have rules about privacy, which she made sure to stress was different from secrecy.
"We have privacy within the relationships outside of our marriage, but we don't keep secrets from one another," she said.
What this can look like is the pair sharing dating stories - and even advice - with their relationships out of marriage.
As to why she loves her open relationship, she said it's because it's 'pure fun'.
"I feel so fortunate to be able to say this, but dating outside of my marriage is pure fun. My husband and I go on a weekly date night and gift each other one night off a week.
"We can do whatever we want with that time - date, drawing class, or join a sailing team. It's pure freedom."
That, and she says she's got to experience 'so many different types of love in my life.'
"I feel like it's made my life more interesting. I think the biggest benefit at the end of the day is that i feel like I have more freedom because of my marriage, not in spite of it. I love more and live more than I would otherwise."