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Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Social Media, Twitter, Viral, Psychology
Poppy Bilderbeck
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Social Media, Twitter, Viral, Psychology
How many of these 'eight patterns' which often rear their heads in failing relationships can you recognize in yourself?
Couples therapist Dr Nicole LePera took to Twitter to share the 'eight patterns' she's noticed in 'couples who didn't make it' and most of us are probably - or have been - guilty of a few, so maybe it's time to check in and make a New Year's resolution or two.
Look, we all know a negative attitude gets you nowhere and it's the same when it comes to relationships.
And while most of us have past trauma from previous relationships and potential trust issues, if we're choosing to enter into a relationship with a new person you need to wipe the slate clean to some extent and make sure we've done a bit of the work to get over any lingering issues - trust someone until they give you a reason not to and all that.
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Dr LePera explains if you 'assume' your partner's 'intentions' are 'malicious or negative' then you could end up being 'accusatory' rather than 'curious' which doesn't help anyone or the relationship developing either.
"Note: this is common for people with C-PTSD why trauma healing is key in partnerships," she adds.
Ladies, I'm talking to you, the amount of times we have all probably thought if we wait long enough or suggest something enough, the man will change? Yeah, looking back on it now, all we can do is laugh.
Dr LePera reflects this simply leads to 'resentment because one partner feels like a project,' and it can also lead to resentment on the other side, with the other person growing impatient waiting for a change which simply may never come - remember, someone has to want to change for themselves.
And this second pattern leads nicely onto the third warning sign.
As much as we've grown up being read fairy-tales at bedtime and watching the prince get his princess on the big screen, life sadly doesn't always turn out that way.
Sure, you can still find various rom-com moments, but you need to stay grounded in the reality that a relationship isn't always easy, you're not going to be happy 24/7 and a relationship is an active choice - choosing to stick with it and with your person through the highs and lows - including even 'boring' moments in the romance, Dr LePera notes, it signifying a lack of 'maturity' if you're not prepared for that.
No one wants to fight okay? Or maybe you do - and that's another kettle of fish entirely. But we're all different people with different brains and hearts and so we're going to disagree on things. And if you're avoiding voicing your disagreement?
Well, it could result in 'one partner finally reach[ing] a boiling point' if they continue to 'suppress' their true emotions and thoughts, Dr LePera warns and this could leave the other partner 'confused' as a result.
In the same breath of it being healthy to disagree, it's also healthy to know when to let something go. You should want to work through any issues as a team, rather than point-scoring or trying to 'win' the argument and ultimately your main goal should be to understand one another better and be able to move past it.
So, if you keep bringing up the argument you had last week or the week before, your partner may end up being 'drained' by just how 'highly critical' you seem.
Basically, try to stop being so 'rigid' in how you're interacting and try to get better at recognizing when you're making an issue bigger than it needs to be - there's so many other more beneficial things to be doing with your time.
Alongside knowing when to drop an issue - both having spoken about it enough and now going round-and-round in circles - it's also important to be able to recognize when to apologize.
Even if you can't always understand quite where they're coming from, the fact someone you love is hurt and upset is something to feel sorry for and should make you want to show them the respect of listening to them, trying your best to understand and comforting them.
If you're over the age of 21, 'defensiveness and deflection' just gets boring.
Focus on how the relationship feels for 'each other,' Dr LePera stresses, not how others view it - ultimately, they're not in your relationship, only you are.
Advice from friends and loved ones is important but no one fully knows your situation bar the two of you and make sure the advice you're seeking is from trusted sources too.
Ah family, you don't get to choose them but love them anyway. Following on from seeking advice from friends, if someone over-involves a family member in the relationship this can 'create a lack of trust and friction,' Dr LePera adds.
Well, good luck to anyone who locked someone down in cuffing season for surviving the next year and if you're going into New Year's in the hopes of finding love, may the odds be ever in your favor.