Relationship expert reveals the one thing that could be sabotaging your love life
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Life
William Morgan
Featured Image Credit: Getty Images/Maria Korneeva
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Life
Dating another person is never easy, not only do they have to tick all of the right boxes for a potential future partner, but you have to tick all of theirs too.
Even if you are lucky enough to find someone who is compatible with your needs, that's just the first hurdle. You still have to find out whether or not both of you can make it work in the long term.
And one of the toughest things to bring up or spot early on is often one of the biggest factors in a partnership not working out and could be sabotaging your love life, a relationship expert has shared.
This romance-ruiner is, of course, trauma. Whether it is theirs or your own, this can leave you feeling as though you are 'swimming in murky waters', with their true self obscured by defense mechanisms, bad habits and deep wounds.
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In fact, going into relationships with a bunch of unresolved trauma could be a reason that yours are not working out, relationship coach Natalia Rachel has shared. At least, that was her experience of 'trauma-dating'.
In a piece for Mamamia, she said: "It was about three years into my post-divorce dating journey that I realized I was trauma-dating. The level of anxiety, distress, triggers, and shame I was experiencing was completely at odds with how early dating should feel.
"Early dating should feel exciting, a little nerve-wracking, somewhat vulnerable, and maybe occasionally awkward."
But if you are constantly hitting snags and roadblocks in your early relationships, you might be bringing unnecessary baggage into them that turns what should be light and breezy moments into dark or difficult ones.
Rachel shared: "When our feelings feel out of proportion, it's often one of the first signs that we might be trauma-dating."
This is even backed up by research. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology showed that some of the symptoms of repressed past trauma, like sleep problems, dissociation, severe sexual problems, can be make-or-break in relationship - with these symptoms steering many onto the rocks.
Trauma is not just something that just happens to you in the moment. Leading scholars in the field have argued that trauma is a past experience that you are repeatedly forced to experience in the present.
This can make meeting a new person and getting to know them a high-stress activity, as the uncertainty and intensity of falling for someone can rehash or dredge up some of our darkest moments.
Biologically, this also causes a spike in cortisol and sends your heart racing - which can have a serious knock-on effect on your dating.
The relationship coach detailed: "These can range from over-texting, over-demanding, over-analysing, and ruminating, to shutting down, pushing away, ghosting… or worse… hot and cold, push pull behavior."
But having trauma does not mean that you cannot have a relationship, or that you should avoid people with difficult pasts. Rather, you should work on your own problems and look for people with the same attitude.
Rachel explained: "If we haven't processed past traumatic relationship experiences, we tend to super-impose them onto our dates, lovers and partners — either we keep choosing people who have similar unsuitable (or toxic) traits, that will never be able to love us the way we truly want, or we meet nice available people, but we keep seeing or feeling the problems of the past… red flags that just don't exist."
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available through Mental Health America. Call or text 988 to reach a 24-hour crisis center or you can webchat at 988lifeline.org. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741.