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Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Psychology
Poppy Bilderbeck
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Psychology
A psychologist has spoken out about 'the most poisonous of all relationship killers' and what you can do to try and combat it.
Psychologist, marriage counsellor and University of Washington professor, Dr. John Gottman has been researching into relationships for over four decades.
Drawing on The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the New Testament, the expert has come up with the concept of The Four Horsemen when it comes to the breakdown of relationships.
And within his studying, he identified the second of the four horseman as being the worst - and actually being the 'number one predictor of divorce'.
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You may be sceptical, but in a 1992 study, Dr Gottman was able to predict with 93.6 percent accuracy which couples would divorce, so listen in.
The Gottman Institute details it 'cannot emphasize enough' how detrimental it can be for a couple if 'contempt' has come into play within their relationship.
It explains: "Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health."
And should you 'communicate with contempt'? Well, the 'results can be cruel'.
If you're confused with what 'contempt' can mean or show as, examples include 'treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension' alongside being 'hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering'.
Contempt is often 'fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one's partner' and arises as a 'form of attack on someone's sense of self' ultimately leading to 'more conflict' rather than any form of 'reconciliation'.
"In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological," it adds. "[...] It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior."
So, it's important to nip it in the bud as quick as possible and thankfully, if you have felt any sense of contempt creeping in, it doesn't mean your relationship is completely doomed.
Well, some 'short-term measures' include trying to 'describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue'.
"Try to avoid using 'you' statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked," the article advises.
And long-term? Well, talking about happy memories you share from the past can help in a bid to rebuild 'fondness and admiration' alongside committing to trying to be more positive in how you approach and speak to your partner.
Or, you could go down the six-second kiss route too and who doesn't love a cheeky spoon?
Remember, you're meant to be a team, not two players on opposing sides and having respect and admiration for one another definitely helps this.