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Topics: Psychology, Mental Health, Sex and Relationships
Ellie Kemp
Topics: Psychology, Mental Health, Sex and Relationships
Relationship experts have issued a warning over yet another worrying dating trend that appears to be on the rise.
From spotting red flag behaviors to learning the definitions of these emerging new trends (hello, micromancing and throning...), us singletons certainly have a lot on our plates.
But this particular practice, dubbed floodlighting, could ruin a potentially good thing before it's already begun. And dating is already tough enough, right?
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Worse still, floodlighting could be damaging for both parties - the floodlighter and the floodlightee, if you will - leaving both feeling down and deflated.
Jessica and Louella Alderson, co-founders of the dating app So Synced, explained to Glamour exactly what floodlighting is, how to spot the signs and its emotional impacts.
Jessica explains that floodlighting is 'about using vulnerability as a high-intensity spotlight.'
Dating, essentially, is about getting to know someone and sure, over time, this requires you to get vulnerable. Yet some people - perhaps without even meaning to - go all in.
From the off they're spilling the nitty gritty details of their difficult childhood, their traumatic dating history and every job they've ever quit.
Jessica explains floodlighters might unleash this torrent of personal information 'to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or see if the other person can 'handle' these parts of them.'
I'm feeling overwhelmed just thinking about it...
There are a number of floodlighting 'red flags' to be aware of - aside from the obvious 'flooding' of information.
If you're on the receiving end, then you might notice your date analyzing your every reaction - and this is worth paying attention to.
"By sharing personal information, the person doing the floodlighting may be testing your boundaries - likely on a subconscious level - and seeing how much you are willing to accept or handle," Jessica explains. "If you can see that someone is carefully watching your reactions to their disclosures, it could be a sign of floodlighting."
The conversation feeling unbalanced - e.g, them oversharing and you not being able to get a word in - and feeling overwhelmed by detail might also be warning signs. Feeling as if the relationship is moving too fast too soon can be another red flag.
As mentioned before, floodlighting can be damaging for the mental health of parties on either side of the coin.
Jessica warns forming such a quick, intense emotional connection runs the risk of creating a 'false sense of intimacy' that may simply not be sustainable long-term.
And when this intensity fades, it can trigger a whole load of disappointment and anxiety.
What's more, floodlighters could be putting themselves at risk of 'being exploited or taken advantage of' by someone who may not have their 'best interests at heart.'
On the flip side, the floodlightee might end up feeling overwhelmed and suffocated. "It can be emotionally taxing to handle such intense disclosures and feelings in a short amount of time," Jessica adds.
Floodlighting might also lay the foundation for an unhealthy relationship dynamic, where one person is seen as the 'emotional caretaker' and the other as the 'vulnerable, fragile one.'
Jessica explains that floodlighting usually stems from a place of insecurity and the fear of 'not being enough.'
"It can be a way of preempting rejection by showing your most vulnerable self and hoping the other person will accept it. It's like showing all your cards in a poker game in the hope that full disclosure will prevent any surprise judgments in the future," she says.