Dating expert says people should try 'chalant' dating if they’re tired of 'playing games'
Topics: Podcast, Sex and Relationships
Thomas Bamford
Featured Image Credit: Jay Shetty Podcast
Topics: Podcast, Sex and Relationships
Behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury appeared on the Jay Shetty Podcast to make the case for so-called 'chalant' dating, and honestly, it's hard to argue with her.
The concept is a direct pushback against nonchalant dating, that exhausting era of pretending you don't care, breadcrumbing people, and treating emotional detachment like a personality trait. Ury says we've been stuck in this cycle for about a decade, and people are done with it.
"Everyone knows what nonchalant means," she told Shetty. "It means you act detached. You pretend that you don't care. And it's really this battle of who can care less."
Chalant dating is the opposite. It's about effort, emotional availability, and, brace yourself, actually making plans and following through on them.
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According to Ury, step one is being honest with yourself about what you actually want. Because if you don't have a clear goal, you end up caring more about what everyone else thinks, about being left on read, about coming across as too keen, than about finding an actual connection.
"If you don't know what your goal is, then of course you care more about what everyone else thinks or being cringe or being left on read," she said.
Step two is showing up with intention. That means asking genuine questions, moving off the dating app within a few days, and suggesting a specific day, time, and activity rather than the classic "yeah we should hang out sometime" that leads absolutely nowhere.
And it turns out, people are responding to it.
Searches for the word 'chalant' have surged by 217 percent this year alone, according to research done by dating app Hinge.
The data backs up what Ury is preaching. When Hinge asked women what defines a 'high value' partner, the top answers were emotional availability (35 percent), acknowledgement and respect for emotional needs (25 percent), and consistent communication (22 percent).
Notably, money didn't make the cut. A full 72 per cent of heterosexual women on Hinge said they care more about a partner's effort in building a relationship than about their income.
The provider model, it seems, is well and truly on its way out.
For men, the shift is just as significant. 60 per cent of heterosexual men on Hinge now say that planning consistent dates is an important part of how they engage romantically, a sign that the old 'strong and silent' template is losing its appeal. And 84 percent of women said a thoughtful date is more impressive than an expensive one.