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Topics: Sex and Relationships, News
Niamh Shackleton
Men: if you were thinking of asking women this three-word question during sex, then you might want to think again.
Dirty talk in the bedroom isn't uncommon, but if you were thinking about asking your partner this — then don't.
The question is 'are you close', and it's been branded as an orgasm killer for women, according to a survey of 20,000 women carried out my OMGYES.
Basically, it's a lose-lose question. If the woman was close, she probably isn't anymore after you asked that. If she wasn't close, then some people might find it awkward to say no...
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"Whilst it might not be intentional, asking 'are you close' can tend to introduce pressure at the wrong moment," sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight told Metro Online.
"Instead of allowing someone to stay immersed in connection, it shifts their focus to performance and timing.
"For many women, arousal builds gradually and needs a sense of safety and space, so being asked if they’re 'close' can feel like they’re being hurried along rather than supported in their own rhythm."
Women typically take longer than a man to climax during foreplay in particular. Certified sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice has previously revealed that for men, it takes around five to seven minutes. For women, however, it can take as long as 30 minutes.
With this in mind, Annabelle has explained why asking a woman if she's close might be a buzz kill for them and signify impatience.
"Some women might start overthinking, lose momentum or feel pressured enough that they disengage," she told Metro Online.
"It may even lead to faking orgasm, simply to relieve that pressure."
"Relaxation is one of the most important ingredients for orgasm, particularly for women," Annabelle added.
"When there’s pressure, the body can shift into a more tense or self-conscious state. Rather than encouraging climax, that question might actually create a barrier to it."
Basically, if you need to ask the question — you're unlikely to get the answer you're hoping for. Time itself will let you know if they're close (or, in fact, finished).
If you're tempted to ask the question, Annabelle advised you say something like 'Does this feel good?' or 'Do you want me to keep going like this?'.
Or maybe skip the questioning all together and go off the woman's body language.
"Body language, breathing, movement and responsiveness can be incredibly powerful and intuitive," Annabelle said. "That said, verbal communication can be especially helpful for reassurance and exploring new things."