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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Reddit, Community
Joe Yates
One of the leading figures in couples counselling has detailed what he believes is the most clear sign that a relationship is over.
That is, of course, if said person doesn't change their behavior and omit the attitude surrounding it, and Dr John Gottman knows better than anybody what you must do to keep your relationship going, in a healthy manner.
The psychologist boasts of 37 happily married years, as well as more than four decades of studying relationships - and has even conducted empirical studies with over 3,000 couples.
For those unaware with the terminology, an empirical study is one that relies on direct observation - which is typical of therapy.
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Now, taking to Reddit yesterday (June 27), one user asked: "What’s an early sign that the relationship isn’t gonna work?"
While there were many answers, one user explained how differing humour can result in 'tougher times to come', which lead to another explaining how they learned that first hand.
They stated: "An issue with my ex: when I said a joke, everyone else would laugh, while she would sigh and roll her eyes it was fine sometimes, but every time?"
One user commented: "Rolling your eyes is a fast track to a relationship ending, full stop. It's shows disgust and contempt, all in one second."
That's when Gottman was brought up, with the 83-year-old considering contempt to be a strong sign that your relationship is doomed.
"Contempt is sulfuric acid for love. It erodes the bond that holds a couple securely together," he once famously said.
So we're all singing from the same hymn sheet... contempt is the feeling that a person or an object is worthless or beneath consideration.
Gottman is also attributed to saying: "I believe we're going to find that respect and affection are essential to all working relationships and contempt destroys them."
An example of contempt in a relationship would be if you told your partner that you were going to go out and see your friends, and your spouse says they'd rather you stay home. In response, you snap and say something like, 'oh what a surpise! Do you want to tie me up so I can never leave you?' That would be you exhibiting contempt.
The University of Washington emeritus professor's wife, Dr Julie Gottman, is also an esteemed couples therapist.
She too has described contempt as being the worst thing for a relationship.
"In our humanity we need loving connection with others for our very survival - after all, biologically, we are pack animals who subsist through belonging to our pack. Contempt severs us from our pack," she once said.
"It leads us to cut ourselves off from others, pull inwards, and end up alone. Giving appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to connect with those around us.
"After all, we love to hear good things about ourselves and to be seen for the good we do in the world. Appreciation draws us closer to those who appreciate us, and in turn, when we give appreciation, we draw ourselves closer to those we love. It’s caring for ourselves by being loving.”
If you want your relationship to survive, don't be contemptuous!