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Topics: Sex and Relationships
Gregory Robinson
A sex therapist has revealed the real reason why men seemingly lose interest in having sex with their partners.
If you’ve ever noticed your partner no longer wants to be intimate with you, the questions you’re left asking yourself could be why? Is it him? Is it you? Can they change? Or not?
A common dilemma couples in long-term relationships face today is men avoiding bedroom antics, according to Dr Stephen Snyder, a New York-based sex therapist who has treated more than 3,000 couples.
Part of the reason as to why men and women in relationships hit this roadblock may be due to the seven reasons outlined in Dr Snyder’s book, Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship as shared with MailOnline.
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So why do men check out of sex in long-term relationships?
Men love it when women smile at them, which may be easier in the beginning stages of a relationship, Dr Snyder explains. This gives men the ‘green light’ to proceed sexually with their partner.
However, problems may arise when they see their partner unhappy for the first time. This links back to a ‘crucial’ developmental step most boys go through at around the age of three, when they push their mothers away.
“Therefore, the first step on the path to becoming a man is to disconnect emotionally and, in some ways, physically,” the expert explains.
“A man dreads seeing a woman looking disappointed with him. Unconsciously, it reminds him of when his mother was unhappy with him, and how helpless that made him feel.”
This is when a man emotionally withdraws and the woman gets upset and the ‘prospect of sex recedes ever further’. This activates a woman’s fear of being emotionally abandoned.
Linking back to the first reason, the therapist advises women to have a talk with their male partner and say: “Look, there are going to be times when you'll see me upset and disappointed. When that happens, you don't have to panic. Trust me, it's going to be OK.
"We women deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Just don't run away emotionally, because that will make me really cross.”
Women’s minds are more ‘active’, ‘perceptive’ and more ‘aware’ but men’s attention ‘tends to be more limited and more selective’ and this can create a conflict of interest.
The therapist says the ‘cultural script’ says men are supposed to be the active partners and bring 'excitement and variety to sex'.
While many are able to do this in the early days, it’s unlikely a man will be able to find new ways to make sex feel ‘newly pleasurable’.
He says women therefore have ‘more capacity for pleasure’ than their male partner.
The expert says men are ‘constantly’ told to concentrate on bringing pleasure to their female partners, but this ironically leads to boring sex.
“One of the key ingredients in good love-making is to know your partner enjoys you.”
Don’t be afraid to enjoy excitement, even if guaranteed sex is not on the menu. Some men apparently avoid activities unless sex is definitely happening, and women are said to avoid doing anything that may give their husbands an erection.
But it’s fine to not follow through with full on sex even if the male partner gets aroused.
“The biggest lesson I can teach a woman? An erection does not have to end with an orgasm,” he said.
“The happiest couples make a point to enjoy small moments of erotic excitement, even when they're not going to have sex.
“In sex therapy, we call this 'simmering' – which means savouring a moment of feeling selfishly connected, purely for its own sake.”
Simmering might include holding hands, stroking each other’s hair, or kissing.
Some partners may feel like sex is just a case of going through the motions, without actually enjoying it.
But the key to sex is to make you feel good about yourself, Dr Snyder explains.
“I tell my couples that experiencing an orgasm should be like a delicious dessert. It's a fine way to end the meal, but who sits down to a three-course dinner only thinking about pudding?”
Although everyone is busy these days, and while putting sex in your diary might seem like a solution, this expert says it’s not.
“Desire doesn't work like that. It's not like dinner where, if you haven't eaten by 7pm, you'll definitely be starving.”