Expert reveals the key signs your partner is cheating in a relationship that only a therapist can spot
If you were in a room full of people who had been cheated on in the past, you'll likely hear stories of how their deceitful partner wasn't very subtle about their fondness for someone else.
But you'd probably be surprised to hear how many of those people would have deemed their relationship as 'safe', only to discover later of their seedy actions online, at bars or even at work... yes, there are people who take the term 'work wife' too literally.
Fortunately for you, we've got the antidote needed for your spousal issues through the form of Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist working for a clinic in London, England, writing for the Telegraph
Without further ado, let's dive right into what a therapist can spot that you'll probably overlook.
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Once a cheater, always a cheater
"Generally, if a person has cheated once there’s a psychological reason behind it, meaning they will tend to do it again," writes Touroni.
The UK-based therapist went on to suggest that being in a 'committed relationship' might 'freak them out' and provoke anxiety for them.
One partner is needy while the other is not
This sounds like every relationship, there's always one person whose more co-dependent than the other.
Initially, you'd imagine it was the more 'independent' partner sneaking around, but Touroni explained that it is quite the opposite.
The 'insecure' partner is driven away and 'might seek some external validation or affirmation from another relationship'.
She adds: "Usually this isn’t a problem in the early stages of a relationship, because the person who needs a lot of affirmation tends to get it. But once a couple is together all the time it’s natural that this fades.
"Then someone comes along who makes them feel amazing again, while their partner knows all their flaws – so there’s the danger of an affair."
Hesitant to commit
"When one person in a couple I am seeing is cheating, but hasn’t admitted to it, I can often tell. Usually there’s something about the stories that doesn’t add up," the expert shared with the publication's readership.
"If the one party to the relationship is still very invested and committed to it continuing, but you see the other party acting in a way that doesn’t reflect that commitment, or their behaviour doesn’t really make sense, then there is something missing.
"As the relationship therapist, you feel that something isn’t resonating about why these two people are really struggling. Usually, you find the answers in the person’s background – you begin to dig into their history and discover clues."
Concluding: "Perhaps they are more likely to be unfaithful because they have low self esteem? Or because their partner is very dynamic and they’re feeling somewhat neglected?"
Childhood traumas
What Touroni is getting at here isn't exactly every childhood trauma your spouse may have experienced, but sometimes people tend to cheat if their mom or dad weren't around much when they were younger.
She wrote: "Sometimes one person in the couple hasn’t made a very good choice to begin with. There’s a category of people – both men and women, but most commonly women – who are very drawn to unavailable partners.
"Usually the underlying reason is an early childhood experience, perhaps an unavailable parent. They are repeating something in the hope for a better experience, but in reality they’re more likely to suffer."
Distance created by big life event
"Usually there’s an event that triggers an affair," Touroni states.
She explained how children is the 'number one life change that creates distance', although the loss of a loved one or something can also spiral a relationship that has an 'underlying vulnerability that is then combined with this sort of trigger.
Low sex drive
"The better the sexual relationship, the more likely it is that the relationship overall is in a good state," Touroni explains.
"If couples say they have sex once every three months, or have never had a lot of sex, or it’s really died down, that is probably a sign for me that their relationship is going in the wrong direction."
She then goes on to explain how you can question how faithful a partner really is, for example 'are there long periods when one partner doesn’t know what the other is doing?', she adds.
A narcissist
Okay, this might be an obvious one because if you're dating an narcissist then life is all about them, and they will frequently think that 'rules don't apply to me' especially if they are serial cheaters, Touroni shares.
She writes: "They might be more impulsive, prioritising pleasure and having fun as opposed to being a committed partner. They might also be a little arrogant in that they think they’re never going to be found out, and that the affair is harmless because they’re not really devoting themselves to another person."
Is the damage of an affair irreparable?Can a relationship survive an affair?
I'll let Touroni sum this up in her own words: "Discovering that a partner has had an affair is a hugely painful thing for someone to go through, but at the same time I do genuinely feel that if something is understood and worked through properly, and both people are willing, it can also be a completely new beginning.
"It is always so much better to act before an affair happens, such as by going to therapy to unravel the reasons behind the feelings.
"Because once you’ve gone down the path of infidelity it’s hard to turn back, particularly once something becomes public. It’s a huge betrayal, and some people just can’t get over it."
Topics: Psychology, Sex and Relationships, Health
Joe Yates