Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships
A sex expert has issued a warning to anyone who takes part in a specific fantasy that more than half of married people have admitted to.
We all have our bedroom quirks, but there's one certain scenario that could mean something is amiss in your current relationship.
'Solo time' is part of everyday life - especially if you work for a company that has mandated masturbation breaks.
But if you find your mind drifting towards spicy times with an ex-partner, then you could be in trouble. Or not - it really depends.
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A survey by Illicit Encounters found that 55 percent of married people admitted to fantasizing about their ex.
Sex and relationships expert Anita Fletcher of Fantasy Dildo Co, a brand specializing in handcrafted adult toys, says while this scenario is far more common than people realize, it can also signal some deeper-rooted issue.
“The shame around ex fantasies is completely unnecessary,” Fletcher explained. “Our minds don't operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory.”
Fletcher explains there's solid psychology behind why exes creep into our intimate moments.
“Our brains are wired to hold onto intense experiences, and sexual memories with past partners often fall into this category,” she said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you want them back, but rather it’s about accessing familiar feelings of desire and pleasure.”
It's almost like 'muscle memory' for our imagination. Plus, the fantasy might be less about the actual person and more about feeling desired or remembering a time when you felt sexually confident.
“Often people aren't really fantasizing about their ex, but how they felt about themselves during that relationship,” Fletcher clarified.
It's also normal if the fantasy focuses on specific acts or scenarios rather than emotional connection.
“Physical memories can be completely separate from romantic feelings,” she added.
But Fletcher emphasizes there's a clear distinction between using ex fantasies as a tool versus being emotionally stuck.
Thinking about an ex during solo time can be normal, but 'constant comparison' to a current partner is often a warning sign.
“Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison or inability to be present with current partners,” she warned. “If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they're interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what's underneath.”
It's also concerning if these fantasies leave you feeling sad, longing or emotionally unsettled afterwards.
“Healthy fantasy should improve your mood, not complicate it,” she noted.
In some cases, people can use these fantasies as a tool to better inform their sex lives.
Fletcher suggests shifting your fantasy patterns by 'expanding your imaginative repertoire', adding: “Try focusing on scenarios, sensations, or even fictional characters rather than specific people from your past.”
She also recommends mindfulness during masturbation.
“Pay attention to your body's responses and the present moment. This can help you discover what you truly enjoy beyond familiar mental scripts,” the expert said.
Finally, Fletcher advises reframing the experience: “Instead of feeling guilty about ex fantasies, use them as information about what you find appealing. Then you can communicate those preferences to future partners.”
Fletcher leaves us with the following advice: “I encourage people to view their fantasy life as a window into their deeper needs and desires. Maybe that ex fantasy isn't really about wanting them back.
“It might involve missing the confidence you felt, or the specific way they made you feel desired. Once you identify what you're actually craving, you can pursue it in healthier ways.
“Fantasy should serve your growth, not keep you stuck in the past.”
