Topics: Elliot Page, Film and TV
Warning: References to suicidal feelings
Elliot Page has opened up about how he's feeling more than a year after coming out as transgender.
The actor announced he was transgender in December 2020 via statements posted to his social media platforms.
A year and six months later, Page has spoken out about the journey he's been on since he came out and how it's been the 'biggest joy... really seeing' himself.
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Page said he knows he 'look[s] different to others' but explained that to himself, he's 'just starting to look like myself'.
Page told Esquire: "It’s indescribable, because I’m just like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am.
"So the greatest joy is just being able to feel present, literally, just to be present. To go out in a group of new people and be able to engage in a way where I didn’t feel this constant sensation to flee from my body, this never-ending sensation of anxiety and nervousness and wanting out.
"When I say I couldn’t have ever imagined feeling that way, I mean that with every sense of me."
Page admitted he 'didn't expect [the reaction to his transition] to be so big'.
"In terms of the actual quality of the response, it was what I expected: love and support from many people and hatred and cruelty and vitriol from so many others.
"I came out as gay in 2014, and it’s different. Transphobia is just so, so, so extreme. The hatred and the cruelty is so much more incessant," he noted.
While the actor has spoken about the 'biggest joy' he has felt since coming out as transgender, he also noted his worries about 'everything that's being said about us'.
"There are people in elected office saying that, essentially, transgender people are going to be responsible for the end of existence. That degree of rhetoric is really alarming and horrible. It’s also endless misinformation – and people buy it. The idea of gender being a binary concept specifically based on genitalia is a very new idea in relation to human history. We existed in every culture throughout history! People don’t learn about that reality. They’re banning kids from learning it. It’s all tactical," Page said.
It's also has been far from easy for Page to reach this point of happiness. "Can I relate to the suicide problem among trans people? Yeah, I can relate deeply. And not only to the very conscious, direct act of doing it but also certain times when I lost so much weight or when I was having such severe panic attacks and collapsed multiple times – all these things that very easily could, and statistically do, lead to death. And that’s all a manifestation of that trauma and discomfort that’s a disproportionate issue for transgender people.
"There were moments of wanting to not be here, but that was just the sensation that I was left with. It wasn’t a movement for action – other than the ways in which I was abusing my body, clearly. I would look out the window of my apartment and think, 'With everything going on right now and how incredible it all is, this is how I feel? And I’m twenty-two?' It was like, 'I don’t know if I could do it'."
Going back to his own journey, Page explained how he's been hit with 'a surge of creativity' since he came out.
The actor also said how much they 'love making The Umbrella Academy'.
Fans of the series have recently spoken out in praise of the show for its support of Page's transition
Despite how he 'thought it was impossible' to feel how he does now, Page feels a euphoria in being able to walk around in the summer 'in a white T-shirt' that 'fit[s] [him], walking down the street, shoulders back, enjoying the sun and day'.
He reflected: "In the past, that would’ve been a very different walk. Instead, you have ideas blossoming in your mind, not constant feelings of shame and self-hatred."
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence contact Mindline Trans+ on 0300 330 5468. The line is open 8pm–midnight Mondays and Fridays and is run by trans volunteers
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence, please don’t suffer alone. Call Samaritans for free on their anonymous 24-hour phone line on 116 123
