Woman who ripped out her own eyes explains how her ‘mind will not accept not seeing’
Topics: Health, Mental Health, Drugs
Lucy Devine
Featured Image Credit: Kaylee Muthart
Topics: Health, Mental Health, Drugs
Warning: This article contains graphic descriptions which some readers may find distressing.
A woman who gouged out her own eyeballs while hallucinating on drugs has spoken about how she's adapted to life without her vision.
Kaylee Muthart, from Anderson, South Carolina, was just 20 years old when the tragic incident occurred.
She had recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had been using drugs including marijuana and ecstasy, which caused her to have intense hallucinations.
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"While on ecstasy, I studied the Bible. I misinterpreted a lot of it. I convinced myself that meth would bring me even closer to God," she told Cosmopolitan.
After Thanksgiving 2017, Kaylee's addiction became even more intense, despite trying to stop her habits 'two or three times'.
Eventually, Kaylee agreed to go to rehab, but an incident before she arrived led to her ripping her own eyes out.
After being high from a session the night before, Kaylee feared 'everyone would die, if I didn’t tear out my eyes immediately'.
She told the Daily Star: "I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me. I thought everything would end abruptly and everyone would die if I didn't tear out my eyes immediately.
"I pushed my thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each eye. I gripped each eyeball, twisted, and pulled until each eye popped out of the socket. It felt like a massive struggle, the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because I could no longer see, I don't know if there was blood. But I know the drugs numbed the pain."
Once at the hospital, medical professionals performed emergency surgery to remove what was left of her eyes.
Kaylee has since spoken about how she has adapted to life without her vision, explaining that her mind 'will not accept not seeing'.
"When I open the window or crack the window for my cat in the morning, I wonder what it looks like out there. So when I open the window and stuff I think maybe God will help me see everything I have missed one day," she said.
"I would like to see my loved ones get older, see what colour my cat is, I got him after I went blind. It's like, imagine someone explaining to you what a character on a TV show looked like. They could tell you all the different attributes but until you look at them you will never know, you just won't.
"Because I have seen before, my mind will not accept not seeing. They are called visual hallucinations and I kind of think of that as God not letting me be in the darkness.
"Even when you are blind it is not dark. I visualise like silhouettes of what I think is there. If I reach for it and it is incorrect it will change like that."
Kaylee underwent surgery three years ago where she had prosthetic eyes fitted to match her original eyes.
If you want friendly, confidential advice about drugs, you can call American Addiction Centers on (888) 830-7624 24 hours, seven days a week, or contact them through their website.