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Topics: Sex and Relationships
William Morgan
Getting down and groovy with your partner in the right way can be one of the most important parts of many relationships, but it is quite common for couples to fall into a pit where expectation makes it difficult to be intimate.
A New York sex and relationships coach, Chamin Ajjan, has shared three 'must-dos' in the bedroom to continue pleasing your partner and prevent yourself from physically underperforming, and it's all about opening up.
Often, making a big deal out of having sex will make it harder for both parties to have a good time. It can even make one person lose interest in sex, while the other will begin to struggle to perform in the first place.
Ajjan told the Daily Mail that this sends your nervous system 'into high alert', which is the last thing you want when you're having trouble in the bedroom as 'it can be really hard to perform in those circumstances.'
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Communication is the most important thing in any part of your relationship, even if the language you're speaking is one of lovemaking.
If your wires are crossed and you find yourselves moving at two different speeds, its best to slow down before you make it harder to get where you're going.
Ajjan explained: "If you have expectations that are unspoken, and your partner doesn't know about that, and they're not meeting the expectations, that's going to lead to conflict, it can lead to disappointment.
"It can lead to this feeling of not being understood, or cared about, or prioritized, and for the offending partner, it can feel like I can never get it right."
She added: "If you have expectations that are unspoken, and your partner doesn't know about that, and they're not meeting the expectations, that's going to lead to conflict, it can lead to disappointment.
"It can lead to this feeling of not being understood, or cared about, or prioritized, and for the offending partner, it can feel like I can never get it right."
"I love all the candy and the chocolates and the expectations for a big romantic experience, and, you know, I often get disappointed because things fall flat," Ajjan shared. "And it's not my partner's fault, it's this big thing that I've built up in my mind, and nothing can really live up to that."
Sometimes a light bit of wooing is all you need, but if this is doing nothing but causing your partner to turn away from you, it might be best to try a different tact. Instead, chill out, take baby steps.
The sex therapist said: "For the people who fall into that camp where they're just not interested in sex, it can be a complete turnoff, this pressure, and then you find the other partner having these expectations, and they're not being met.
If the pressure is just getting a bit too much and your sex life is becoming stale, you have probably built the problem up into something that it isn't. Instead, go back to what your would have done at the start of your relationship.
Ajjan advised: "So I think the most important thing for couples who might fall into this trap is to lower the stakes."
This can mean just doing the basic things that first got you both hot under the collar for each other, whether that is an intimate hug, a passionate kiss, or whatever happens to float your collective boat.
"Just the practice of kissing your partner daily can do a lot. So, that's one of the first assignments that I give," the relationships coach said.
Doing this can help to rebuild the bond of trust, intimacy, and safety that first made your relationship work, 'reframing' your dysfunction in the bedroom and fixing those crossed wires.