Joe Harker
Researchers are alarmed to have discovered that the average penis length has grown over the past 30 years, which is apparently a bad thing.
Dr Michael Eisenberg, a professor of urology at Stanford University, has dug down into the data on d**k length as he and his colleagues trawled through a total of 75 individual studies on penis size.
The studies range from 1942 all the way up to 2021 and provide proof of the phallic proportions of 55,761 men.
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It turns out that within that range of data, they noticed that the length of an erect penis had risen (grow up) by 24 percent over a 29-year period.
While plenty of men will be welcoming this news, it's apparently not such a positive sign, as Dr Eisenberg has suggested the environment around us was having an impact on the length of the average love sausage.
He pointed towards 'environmental pollutants' and 'increasingly sedentary lifestyles' as potential causes behind this, so while your little friend down there is getting bigger it's probably for the wrong reasons.
Of course this data is assuming that the studies accurately measured the lengths of men's erect penises and in recent years guys haven't just been pretending to have big d**ks but, you know, it's just a bit cold at the moment.
Dr Eisenberg decided to launch the study because of declining sperm counts and testosterone levels in recent years, wondering if the physical proportions of the male body were also changing too.
He revealed that in the past 29 years the average length of an erect penis has engorged from 4.8 inches to six inches, and you would assume it's not because of a new decision over where to start measuring from.
In just under three decades the average penis length has grown more than an inch and Dr Eisenberg wants to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
It could be due to exposure to chemicals, whether those be in our diet or environment, or possibly a hormonal change.
If we want to measure this data from the last few decades against a historical yardstick, then one of history's famous figures could help shed some light on that.
The Pharaoh Tutankhamun was, for some reason not repeated with other mummified Ancient Egyptians, buried with an erect penis, though he has been dead for a few millennia so some shrinkage is to be expected.
Then again, since we know what happens to the ding-a-ling when it's cold maybe the figures over 30 years have been thrown off a bit by global warming.